Findings While in the Office: News Article

I was taking a break at work this afternoon, and I stumbled across this gem: Grad School Not Worth It on yahoo's featured news. It's really enlightening as to the hows and whys of why graduate degrees don't always help you out. I know, I know, not much of an update here. Sorry.  It's been busy with work, wedding planning, and breaking a toe.

On Graduate School Indoctrination

I know I've mentioned it a few times, as well as have read on other blogs the comparison between graduate school and cults. While playing around on the internet this morning, I stumbled across this link which is about LDS Mormon indoctrination, and lists with explanations steps of indoctrination into dangerous cults.  I was intrigued by how fitting most of those steps could be applied to becoming a graduate student.  So I felt like going through and detailing how it might fit with the graduate student experience. Again, I didn't come up with these stages/steps myself (the link to them and how they apply to Mormon indoctrination is above), but the explanations in relationship to grad school came from my brain.

1) The goal: Yes, while there can be a tangible goal coming from being a graduate student (like a masters or a PhD...), much of the time you end up just searching for answers.  And in most cases, it's really just theory on top of theory. With sciences like geology, physics, chemistry...you can test and test and test your hypotheses to your heart's content, and even if the data supports your hypothesis, it's still just a theory. While you can be 99% sure that your theory is definitely the absolutely correct one, you'll always have that minute bit of uncertainty, there's no way to actually prove that it's true. For example, geologist are completely confident in their theory of how the Earth is laid out (crust, mantle, core...physical states of them, etc), but even the professor of geology 101 at my graduate institution liked to remind everybody that even though they're sure that's right, there's no physical proof. It's not an awesome math theorem where you can lay everything out in a proof and say "Yes, this is absolutely 100% true" (sorry....undergraduate degree in pure mathematics...).

2) A charismatic leader: Your advisor. Obviously. Else no one would cough up monstrous amounts of money to haul their lives across the country/world to work with them.

3) A sacred doctrine: This one's a little bit sketchy...but for most academic disciplines there's a book the professor/advisor/other grad student always suggests, says you absolutely have to buy, not rent, etc etc. At grad school it was my advisor's book on trace fossils. In undergrad, it was my number theory book.

Job Hunting

Well I've been back in my hometown for about five days now. Job hunting, of course, has so far been one of my main priorities. Well, that and attempting to clean the basement so I can sleep in a bed again instead of sleeping on a couch.

The job market is looking a little better than when I first graduated last year. By better I mean that there are actually job postings I've found that say undergraduate degree in mathematics. I was convinced that they didn't exist last year. No real bites yet on the job line, but it's only been a few days. Fingers crossed that something shows up soon. I've got a wedding to save for.

Besides that, I got to hang out with my best friend yesterday. She didn't get into medical school this year and doesn't really want to get a job, so she worries me. She's babysitting 4 days a week now and calling it full-time, while supposedly applying to masters programs to supposedly help her get into med school later. I'm skeptic, but whatever.

Coping With Academic Guilt

I know I only spent three weeks immersed in the world of a graduate student. However, in those short three weeks, I know I was slowly being indoctrinated into the graduate-student-life cult.  I was working those ridiculous, unhealthy hours, and feeling terrible if I did anything for myself. I even felt guilty one day that I took twenty minutes off to bake a loaf of banana bread.

I'm still dueling with that guilt even now that I've left the university. I've been managing battling it fairly well by crocheting, knitting, talking to my fiance, and packing up my apartment. Crocheting and packing keep me moving and busy, while leaving me something tangible for my efforts.  And talking to my fiance is always the best part of my day, no matter what. He's the love of my life, and I have no idea what I'd do without him.

There are some occasions that have arisen recently that have derailed my coping mechanisms greatly though...

Updates on Post-Academic Life

First and foremost, I must say thank god for T-mobile's 4g network. My internet at the apartment complex has  been on and off during the day for the past week, and the staff says it's because they're "updating" it to be faster. Well clearly that updating is working wonders because today the wireless is non-existent. Today they claim equipment broke, and internet access won't be up for at least 24 hours. Awesome.

In other news, my father drafted a 30-days notice to send to the apartment complex (didn't think I needed one, but I guess it can't hurt). Going to send it on Monday. Sod it's looking llike unless I f÷ind a subleaser earlier, I will be moving out of this horrible place the weekend of October 13th. I am more than happy to have a set date, but I hope to find someone before then. 'Cause if I don't, I have to keep paying the rent until a subleaser is found, even if I don't live here. Leases definitely suck.

I'm Not Alone, It's Good To Know

I've spent a lot of time thinking these past few days, and I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around how the people I attended school with for the past weeks can think the abuse from the University is acceptable.

For instance, having done gotten an BS in mathematics from my undergraduate institution and having a little bit of an obsession with numbers, I calculated the hours I spent on campus working, doing homework, etc, and how much I would have made hourly. On average, in order to do all the lab work, sieving, homework, and the paper that was required of me, I was working on something about 50 hours per week (often longer because I have no background in the subject and had to work twice as hard to catch up). I was originally given just over $5,000 to survive off of for the semester before I started raising a ruckus. So, basically, I was making just about $7 an hour. Which is lowering than federal minimum wage.  Unbelievable.

Officially Withdrawn

Well, today was the day.  I didn't have the intention to go officially withdraw from the university today, but that's what ended up happening.  I went to campus early, in the hopes of finding someone who could just tell me what would happen, how much I would owe, etc if I did drop out. I swear I intended to go to class. Academic guilt is stabbing me in the back, screaming at me about not going.

I of course, logically, went to the financial aid office, as I was trying to find out what would happen with my scholarship that I'm currently being funded with. Well, the nice lady at the desk says she can't tell me what would happen, just that we're in the point where it's a 50% refund for classes, and that I need to talk to the donor of the scholarship money.

I ask who the donor is, since I don't have a clue and am unable to find anything about the supposed scholarship online. Lady goes to check. Lo and behold, she nor anyone in the financial aid office, don't have a clue either. So...

Just Want to Go Back Home

Today's the first time ever in my history of schooling that I just gave up and walked out. No explanations, no excuses. Just packed up my things and left. I just couldn't take it anymore.

I'm so tired of people trying to scare me out of my decision that academia isn't right, while at the same time telling me horror stories about what will happen if I stay. After four hours of unsuccessfully looking at rocks, I just felt dead inside and completely defeated. So I just had to leave. 

Plus on top of that, my shoe broke during class (seriously...how does a flip flop break while I'm SITTING and NOT MOVING) so I had to walk home without a shoe. And because of that, I have massive burns on the bottom of my one foot now because the sidewalk/street was so hot.

Lost

I honestly don't know what to do with myself. One minute I'm okay, telling myself I have options, and the next I'm crying hysterically at how hopeless my situation is. I desperately need a full time job or to find someone to lease the apartment within the next two months. Those are pretty basically my options as of now. 

Plus, I feel like no matter where I turn for advice (other than the fiancé), I just get yelled at or they attempt to manipulate me out of my decision.

Case in point...

You Infected Me, Took Diamonds, I Took All Your Shit

Met with a person higher up on the food chain today to see what was to be done about the money issue. The department had magically concocted a plan to quickly sweep their error under the rug. How they decided to skirt the issue that they are screwing me on money:

I should drop a class. The most basic class in the department to be exact. That way, I'll get a tuition refund from the dropped class (hopefully 100% because it's past the deadline for that...but they sent an email so of course that should fix things *sarcasm*). The tuition refund in addition to the refund I received from my scholarship should be...well...less than I'm *supposed* to get but would be enough to get me through the semester. However, the other stipulation is that I'm supposed to audit the class.

Which is really just a fancy word for get up and go to class which starts at 9am (which requires a lot more effort than people thing especially when you work until midnight and have to get up two hours earlier than the class to organize things and take public transportation), do all of the work for the class, take all the tests, sit through the mind-numbing lectures because I learned all of this information in eighth grade...

Drink That Kool-Aid, Follow My Lead

Well, this weekend I went to a BBQ at the house of one of the guys from my department. It was pretty boring (I mean...we watched three hours of Star Wars...come on I'm a trekkie here...), but the food was good and free, which is always a bonus because I'm broke big time cause of the school's screw up in my offer letter. And he attempted to give us a "pep talk" that was really just more depressing than anything.

I was talking with my fiance today (yes,  I actually got to TALK to him! Best feeling in the world) and was going through expenses, the offer letter, and all around just finally having somebody to complain to. I ended up showing him this other blog that I found called From Grad School to Happiness because it's really been helping me cope with all the issues I've been having. Anyway, my fiance, after reading some of it, made the statement that grad school was akin to a cult. And I laughed, but it took me a few moments to realize just how right he was.

Deep Thoughts of the Week

Well, I'm at the end of my rope. Seriously. I'm completely exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I'm really believing  this was not the right choice (I know, people will complain that I haven't even actually given it a chance, but I just *know*), and I keep telling myself it's okay, that I should stick the year out to see what happens, maybe it'll get better, blah blah blah.

When I graduated from undergrad, it was a year early which I hadn't really been expecting. I had no job experience, a weird degree that most regular people scoff at (pure mathematics), was having a rough patch relationship-wise, and absolutely couldn't find a job. I'm fairly sure it was a mix of the economy, my lack of job experience, as well as my off-the-wall B.S., but it really freaked me out. So I made the rash, split second decision to apply to grad school because I was terrified of the real world and not being able to find a job.

So I went and jumped through all of the hoops, recommendation letters, statement of purpose, took the GRE, etc etc, and applied to three schools. All in the span of about...six weeks. 

So Far It's All Downhill

Well classes started today. I can't say that I'm impressed. Or happy. It was just an exercise in showing just how disorganized and problematic this university is so far. For instance, my first professor of the day stresses the importance of buying a lab manual if enrolled in the lab (no shit you need a lab manual...PS: all of the other universities I've attended SUPPLIED the lab manual in the lab. Guess I'm spoiled because I have an education from private universities). Welp, go to the bookstore. Guess what? 

THE DEPARTMENT NEVER EVEN ORDERED THE GODDAMN LAB MANUALS. 

So hey, I've only spent about $10,000 in tuition, $1000 on getting here, $800 a month on rent, $250 on books because I couldn't be enrolled in courses sooner than six days before the start of the semester, howabouts we give you the lab manual for free? (Not to mention it's paperback book put together with a plastic spiral that they're going to charge me $50 for when I could make it myself for probably $10).

Don't Know How Much Worse It Can Get

Well after my meeting yesterday was more than tripled in time, I ended up with blisters the size of nickels all over my feet. And eighteen hours later, they still have closed and are oozing clear liquid. So I can't exactly walk. 

And on top of that, I woke up with hives all over my legs and an infection under my arm.

It's like something's trying to tell me yes, I shouldn't be here.

Sigh.

Not What I Was Expecting...

So today was my orientation and advising. What they said would be a two hour meeting was actually a seven hour meeting. And that was the least of my problems.

I enrolled in Ichnology, Intro to Geology and the accompanying lab, Paleontology of Higher Vertebrate, and some course I don't know the title of where I'm supposed to learn how to critique and read academic writing. Clearly, the only thing applicable here to dinosaurs is ichnology, but too bad the class deals with burrows of invertebrates. And paleontology of higher vertebrates deals with birds and mammals. Sigh.

All Alone in a New Place

Well, everything's finally in my new apartment. Almost everything is put away too; all that's left is to sort through and organize my clothes. The apartment looks a little bit bare, but I don't have too much furniture so that's expected. It's really hot here, but my apartment is in a really good spot so I get a great cross breeze...but I'm the only person in the entire complex with the windows open instead of using the air conditioner so I guess I look a little bit like a weirdo.

My parents and sister left last night. So I'm all on my own now. I really wish my fiancé was here with me...or at least coming sometime soon. But so far I haven't even heard from him in over a day (I know, I know I'm being pathetic), and I'm really sad about that. He kind of hinted that he might be busy or not have Internet access, but I still miss him. Being able to talk to him would make being here alone so much easier.

I have an advising meeting on Tuesday, so by that afternoon I should know what courses I'm taking and what my schedule should look like. For now, I'll be spending most of the rest of the next few days sorting through what's left to be put away and attempting to program my dvr. Perhaps I'll walk to the bookstore across the street too.

Well...here goes nothing....

I've never done anything comparable to this before, so I'm not really all that sure where to begin. A family member (albeit one I'm not super happy with right now) suggested I start a blog to document this "big" transition in my life, so I'm giving it a whirl.

Anyway, to start with, I'm moving from a small Chicago suburb in nine days to a not-so-much-larger town in another random state. Why? To start graduate studies. Back in April, I accepted a PhD offer in the geology department of a university to study vertebrate paleontology.