Officially Withdrawn

Well, today was the day.  I didn't have the intention to go officially withdraw from the university today, but that's what ended up happening.  I went to campus early, in the hopes of finding someone who could just tell me what would happen, how much I would owe, etc if I did drop out. I swear I intended to go to class. Academic guilt is stabbing me in the back, screaming at me about not going.

I of course, logically, went to the financial aid office, as I was trying to find out what would happen with my scholarship that I'm currently being funded with. Well, the nice lady at the desk says she can't tell me what would happen, just that we're in the point where it's a 50% refund for classes, and that I need to talk to the donor of the scholarship money.

I ask who the donor is, since I don't have a clue and am unable to find anything about the supposed scholarship online. Lady goes to check. Lo and behold, she nor anyone in the financial aid office, don't have a clue either. So...

Just Want to Go Back Home

Today's the first time ever in my history of schooling that I just gave up and walked out. No explanations, no excuses. Just packed up my things and left. I just couldn't take it anymore.

I'm so tired of people trying to scare me out of my decision that academia isn't right, while at the same time telling me horror stories about what will happen if I stay. After four hours of unsuccessfully looking at rocks, I just felt dead inside and completely defeated. So I just had to leave. 

Plus on top of that, my shoe broke during class (seriously...how does a flip flop break while I'm SITTING and NOT MOVING) so I had to walk home without a shoe. And because of that, I have massive burns on the bottom of my one foot now because the sidewalk/street was so hot.

Lost

I honestly don't know what to do with myself. One minute I'm okay, telling myself I have options, and the next I'm crying hysterically at how hopeless my situation is. I desperately need a full time job or to find someone to lease the apartment within the next two months. Those are pretty basically my options as of now. 

Plus, I feel like no matter where I turn for advice (other than the fiancé), I just get yelled at or they attempt to manipulate me out of my decision.

Case in point...

Don't Break My Heart and I Won't Break Your Heart-Shaped Glasses

Well, I think I must've somehow broke the University's heart, because they've definitely broken my heart-shaped glasses. I had such naive hopes and expectations of the University and graduate student life, and all that innocence has now been lost. I flirted with the idea of graduate education, and now it's coming around to haunt me.

I'm starting to think this blog and my fiance are the only two things currently keeping me from completely losing my mind. My fiance always knows just what to say to take my mind off of things (like today...we talked about pokemon ha. and him going to school. and our ghost). He's definitely the most wonderful man in the world, and I honestly don't know how I got so freaking lucky. Writing posts in my blog is a great way to vent as well; my mom doesn't want to hear my complaints (she thinks I'm overly dramatic or not giving it enough time), and I feel annoying if I complain too much to my fiance.

Moving on beyond that rant, I'm a completely exhausted. I spent five hours today doing nothing but looking at fossil specimens. That's it. And still after working for a week and the five hours today, I'm not even halfway done.  Getting close to halfway not, but still not halfway. I know I need to be done by Saturday night, so I can spend all day Sunday putting the actual document together and redrawing pictures, and then printing it on campus on Monday.

You Infected Me, Took Diamonds, I Took All Your Shit

Met with a person higher up on the food chain today to see what was to be done about the money issue. The department had magically concocted a plan to quickly sweep their error under the rug. How they decided to skirt the issue that they are screwing me on money:

I should drop a class. The most basic class in the department to be exact. That way, I'll get a tuition refund from the dropped class (hopefully 100% because it's past the deadline for that...but they sent an email so of course that should fix things *sarcasm*). The tuition refund in addition to the refund I received from my scholarship should be...well...less than I'm *supposed* to get but would be enough to get me through the semester. However, the other stipulation is that I'm supposed to audit the class.

Which is really just a fancy word for get up and go to class which starts at 9am (which requires a lot more effort than people thing especially when you work until midnight and have to get up two hours earlier than the class to organize things and take public transportation), do all of the work for the class, take all the tests, sit through the mind-numbing lectures because I learned all of this information in eighth grade...

Drink That Kool-Aid, Follow My Lead

Well, this weekend I went to a BBQ at the house of one of the guys from my department. It was pretty boring (I mean...we watched three hours of Star Wars...come on I'm a trekkie here...), but the food was good and free, which is always a bonus because I'm broke big time cause of the school's screw up in my offer letter. And he attempted to give us a "pep talk" that was really just more depressing than anything.

I was talking with my fiance today (yes,  I actually got to TALK to him! Best feeling in the world) and was going through expenses, the offer letter, and all around just finally having somebody to complain to. I ended up showing him this other blog that I found called From Grad School to Happiness because it's really been helping me cope with all the issues I've been having. Anyway, my fiance, after reading some of it, made the statement that grad school was akin to a cult. And I laughed, but it took me a few moments to realize just how right he was.

Deep Thoughts of the Week

Well, I'm at the end of my rope. Seriously. I'm completely exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I'm really believing  this was not the right choice (I know, people will complain that I haven't even actually given it a chance, but I just *know*), and I keep telling myself it's okay, that I should stick the year out to see what happens, maybe it'll get better, blah blah blah.

When I graduated from undergrad, it was a year early which I hadn't really been expecting. I had no job experience, a weird degree that most regular people scoff at (pure mathematics), was having a rough patch relationship-wise, and absolutely couldn't find a job. I'm fairly sure it was a mix of the economy, my lack of job experience, as well as my off-the-wall B.S., but it really freaked me out. So I made the rash, split second decision to apply to grad school because I was terrified of the real world and not being able to find a job.

So I went and jumped through all of the hoops, recommendation letters, statement of purpose, took the GRE, etc etc, and applied to three schools. All in the span of about...six weeks. 

So Far It's All Downhill

Well classes started today. I can't say that I'm impressed. Or happy. It was just an exercise in showing just how disorganized and problematic this university is so far. For instance, my first professor of the day stresses the importance of buying a lab manual if enrolled in the lab (no shit you need a lab manual...PS: all of the other universities I've attended SUPPLIED the lab manual in the lab. Guess I'm spoiled because I have an education from private universities). Welp, go to the bookstore. Guess what? 

THE DEPARTMENT NEVER EVEN ORDERED THE GODDAMN LAB MANUALS. 

So hey, I've only spent about $10,000 in tuition, $1000 on getting here, $800 a month on rent, $250 on books because I couldn't be enrolled in courses sooner than six days before the start of the semester, howabouts we give you the lab manual for free? (Not to mention it's paperback book put together with a plastic spiral that they're going to charge me $50 for when I could make it myself for probably $10).

Don't Know How Much Worse It Can Get

Well after my meeting yesterday was more than tripled in time, I ended up with blisters the size of nickels all over my feet. And eighteen hours later, they still have closed and are oozing clear liquid. So I can't exactly walk. 

And on top of that, I woke up with hives all over my legs and an infection under my arm.

It's like something's trying to tell me yes, I shouldn't be here.

Sigh.

Not What I Was Expecting...

So today was my orientation and advising. What they said would be a two hour meeting was actually a seven hour meeting. And that was the least of my problems.

I enrolled in Ichnology, Intro to Geology and the accompanying lab, Paleontology of Higher Vertebrate, and some course I don't know the title of where I'm supposed to learn how to critique and read academic writing. Clearly, the only thing applicable here to dinosaurs is ichnology, but too bad the class deals with burrows of invertebrates. And paleontology of higher vertebrates deals with birds and mammals. Sigh.

Scratch that...

Fiancé emailed me thirty seconds after I hit post. Typical haha.

All Alone in a New Place

Well, everything's finally in my new apartment. Almost everything is put away too; all that's left is to sort through and organize my clothes. The apartment looks a little bit bare, but I don't have too much furniture so that's expected. It's really hot here, but my apartment is in a really good spot so I get a great cross breeze...but I'm the only person in the entire complex with the windows open instead of using the air conditioner so I guess I look a little bit like a weirdo.

My parents and sister left last night. So I'm all on my own now. I really wish my fiancé was here with me...or at least coming sometime soon. But so far I haven't even heard from him in over a day (I know, I know I'm being pathetic), and I'm really sad about that. He kind of hinted that he might be busy or not have Internet access, but I still miss him. Being able to talk to him would make being here alone so much easier.

I have an advising meeting on Tuesday, so by that afternoon I should know what courses I'm taking and what my schedule should look like. For now, I'll be spending most of the rest of the next few days sorting through what's left to be put away and attempting to program my dvr. Perhaps I'll walk to the bookstore across the street too.

Red Robin & Yarn

So the bestie/my unbiological sister and I had a lunch date today. We went to our favorite restaurant (which happens to be one of the most awesome places around): Red Robin. YUM! Haha. Anyway, I had the freckled lemonade for the first time. Always meant to try it, but never got around to it. Best. Drink. Ever. Soon good.

We hung out for the rest of the day doing crafty things. First we scrapbooked. I made a super awesome college graduation page for us, and she made some of the pages that were missing from her scrapbook. I tried to put the expander posts in, but for some reason, one of them didn't have the grooves in it so I couldn't put the screw into it. How odd. And annoying.

After the scrapbook fest, we ended up knitting/crocheting. She knits. I crochet. She managed to teach me how to knit! Yay! I made a little scarf for this giraffe toy that I have. I tried to teach her how to crochet, but she had a really hard time with it. I also managed to crochet a granny square for the blanket I'm making for my soon-to-be sister-in-law as a Christmas gift. She's one year old. I hope she likes it...well...as much as a one yer old can appreciate gifts.

Friends Suck

I'm completely blown away by the audacity of some people.  A person I used to be really good friends with in junior high and high school has once again proven to me what a self centered, rude bitch she really is. I generally can't stand her, but put up with her because we've known each other so long. But recently she's been making racist comments about my fiancé (he's hispanic), as well as exceptionally rude comments towards me. I'm leaving in a few days, and today for the first time since June (although I haven't seen her since March) she asked me to go to lunch. I agreed, although I'm busy with last minute things for my move and she said we could go whenever I was free. 

Well, I called and gave her a time in an attempt to avoid the crowd that follows church letting out on Sundays, and her response was "I'm not hungry right now, sorry." And she hung up.

Well, fuck you too, bitch. 

IPad Love

Leaving for the new place in six days. Payed my rent for the first time today. Also, typing this on my new ipad! So excited! I'm definitely loving it.

Well...here goes nothing....

I've never done anything comparable to this before, so I'm not really all that sure where to begin. A family member (albeit one I'm not super happy with right now) suggested I start a blog to document this "big" transition in my life, so I'm giving it a whirl.

Anyway, to start with, I'm moving from a small Chicago suburb in nine days to a not-so-much-larger town in another random state. Why? To start graduate studies. Back in April, I accepted a PhD offer in the geology department of a university to study vertebrate paleontology.